


You want some fun?

by neverending_shenanigans



Series: What is and what should never be (Darcy Lewis Crossovers and Fusions) [6]
Category: Supernatural, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Darcy Lewis Crossover Week, F/M, Humor, Hydra (Marvel), Ridiculous, Vampire Slayer(s), before Season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 13:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2230941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverending_shenanigans/pseuds/neverending_shenanigans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being adopted as Tony Stark's pet had pros and cons. Pro: The Car. Con: Having to pick up Hawkeye in the middle of nowhere at an ungodly time. While waiting in a pretty shabby motel, Darcy kind of has a run in with something supernatural - as if she didn't have enough of that in her life, already.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You want some fun?

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on tumblr before,  
> Written for the Darcy Lewis Crossover Week, 2014
> 
> Setting: Post Thor 2 / at almost any point in Season 1-3 in Supernatural. Yeha, no funky Angel!Business yet.
> 
> The setting should spoiler no-one. There is a bit of presumed post-“Captain America : The Winter Soldier”-plot going on, but it’s light. Mostly mention of HYDRA and some lost child. Aside from that. Heavy on Darcy&Tony-Snark-Bonding-Interaction going on. I don’t even know where that came from.
> 
> Edit (March 2017) for readability. Sorry for the formating and the typos. I hope it's less cringe-inducing now.

**You Want Some Fun?**

 

 _Fire, when she's going down_  
_Fire, then she make you drown_  
 _Fire, then she blow you round_  
 _Yeah, you want some fun?_

[Fire Your Guns – AC/DC]

 

There were a few things that applied to every circumstance in the life of Darcy Lewis.

For one: in doubt, get coffee.

Second: chocolate and ice cream might not cure everything, but they certainly provided distraction of the most delicious kind.

And third: Sleep was optional.

The later had been a rule she had had to learn when she had started college, and it paid off. She had given up on having normal sleeping schedules by the time she had applied for the internship with Jane, and now that Tony had pretty much swept them away from London in his new habit of collecting people ( _which had something to do with freaking SHIELD falling down_ )… well, sleep had become more than optional. It had become a very rare thing indeed.

Darcy didn’t honestly mind much, though, if this was the price for her life going from “ _college kids with little to no plans for life_ ” to “ _paid assistant of Dr. Jane Foster, new favourite pet of Tony Stark aka Ironman_ ”. She might have complained about the pet-title, but the status of “ _pet_ ” came with serious benefits. Like that one new shiny car she was just parking in front of a shabby motel, at the god-forbidden time of 2am, fully intending to grab coffee and ice cream while defying sleep.

Darcy pulled the car in, stretching and yawning, eyeing the slightly run down place with the creative name of “ _24 hours Day and Knight Motel_ ”. She grimaced. Under different circumstances she wouldn’t trust a place like this with her new baby. Because this car was her baby.

 

Ever since she had been a small kid, having watched ‘ _Back to the future_ ’ with her daddy one too many times, she had wanted a DeLorean where her older sister still had asked for a horse. While she had outgrown most of her childhood dreams – including but not limited to dying her hair bubblegum pink, becoming a Ghost Buster for a living, getting fairy-wings tattooed forever and ever on her shoulders – having a car like that had stayed one of her big life goals.

Until she had drunkenly confessed this to Tony after having been moved to New York. After graduation a hand-pained version of a 1982 DeLorean DMC-12 had been waiting for her. He had, of course, tinkered with it and had made sure to have it repainted in the very subtle “Iron Man Red”, but aside from that she was a beauty. The best thing though was that he had implemented some serious Stark Tech into it. Even a light and reduced version of JARVIS came with the baby that she had named “Serenity” – of course, yet another fit of childhood-sentimentally.

 

And now she was so much in love with the car, that the fact that she still wanted to get out of her baby at all said a lot about how long she had been driving. And about the fact how loyal and devoted she was to keeping her status at Tony’s favourite pet. She had been spending two weeks after graduation with her mother and her aunt Madison when Tony had called and asked her if she could, maybe, make a 'minor' detour on her way home and pick up Clint Barton, aka _the_ Hawkeye. And 'minor' meant a four hour drive in the middle of the night.

The things a girld did for superheroes. Apparently, Barton had been undercover on a mission when the whole SHIELD thing had crumbled. He had been missing for a while, with his covers blown and contacts lost, but Natasha and Tony had been able to locate him, and it turned out that she was the person closest to where he was. And least likely to draw too much attention, because she was 'normal', and Hydra would have zero interest in having her trailed. How could a girl refuse that?

So now she was to meet up with him somewhere. It wasn’t clear where yet, but somewhere in the closer vicinity of this motel. So now she was making a detour through unknown stretches of nothingness, sitting and waiting like the good puppy and glorified superhero-cab she was now… in a slightly shabby motel.

 

Darcy stretched and yawned, grabbing the bag from the passenger seat, turning down the soft growling of AC/DC's ‘ _Fire Your Guns_ ’. Instead, she flicked on the switch that created the connection to Stark’s re-christened _Avengers_ _Tower_. “Yo, JARVIS. Are you up?”

“ _Certainly, Miss Lewis_.”

“Tony, too?”

“ _Mr. Stark is currently occupied."_

Darcy rolled her eyes. That was JARVIS-Talk for ‘ _Stark and Pepper are busy getting it on_ ’. “Send Tony a message when he’s _unoccupied_ that I arrived at the place. I’ll keep my phone on and I will stay up, so the second they can get in touch with Barton they can send me a message and I’ll grab him. Send Jane and Thor some love for me, too, but only tomorrow. When they’re having breakfast, or something.”

“ _Indeed. Will that be all_?”

Darcy suppressed a yawn. “Yep, that’s all. Have a good night, J-Man _._ ”

“ _You too, Miss Lewis_.”

 

Darcy opened her door – taking a moment to marvel at the beauty of the door going _up –_ and then got out, throwing the bag over her shoulder. The night air was a bit chilly, considering her get up. As always when she had been with family, it was a _i-couldn’t-care-less dress-phase_. Or, you know, she personally didn’t think like that – but her mother liked to poke at her life choices and at her wardrobe, and it always made her feel highly inappropriate. And it made her dress extra slobby.

Her mother wouldn't be caught dead in what she was wearing. Then again, her mother was the type of woman who wore high heels and pencil skirts for a casual day at home.

But contrary to popular belief, Darcy was not her mother, and had no desire to become her. So she would keep dressing like she wanted to. And she liked her outfit _for_ it's slobby-ness, not despite it. She had put on the blue, oversized coat she had bought in London, some fringed jeans shorts that she probably had since high school, worn black combat boots and her favourite, ridiculous red ‘ _Almighty Thor!_ ’-top.

Avengers merchandise was a new guilty pleasure of hers. Her old guilty pleasure had been Firefly-merchandise, like that self-knitted Jayne-Cobb-hat she now unceremoniously put on her had as she locked her Serenity down.

 

Over the mostly empty parking lot she walked towards the double-doors with the word ‘ _RECEPTION_ ’ written in white chalk on a board next to the door.

Darcy entered the place cautiously, keeping an eye out for roaches on the floor. This place had a 'Silent Hill'-sort of atmosphere. Or she just wasn't used to motels in the middle of the night.

The reception room seemed to be a dinner at the same time. There were three booths at the right side of the room, and the reception table extended to the right into the counter of a bar. On the left side there were some bookshelves and she couldn’t see what was beyond that, but she expected it to be some couches and she was pretty sure she could even see a jukebox. The only source of light in the room seemed to come from that place, too. Aside from her, though, no-one was to be seen.

Darcy hit the bell on the table.

She was pretty sure she heard someone snoring, but no one came. After approximately half a minute Darcy hit the bell again.

“Uh, hello? Someone up or was the 24-hours part of the name a joke?” Like the rest of the name probably was, too. A bad one, at that.

 

Then she heard some cluttering, and someone cursing, and fat old woman came from the kitchen, wheezing like a walrus. She hit a switch, and some green-ish light flickered on on the ceiling. Darcy blinked as she registered that the woman was dressed in a pink, floral and kind of short night-dress. Oh god. _Never. Unsee_.

“An old woman is not a fuckin’ greased lightning, girly. What can I do you for?”

Darcy intently tried to keep her gaze focused on the woman’s weird hairdo with lots and lots of plastic clamos in them. “I’d need a room. For...  three or four days. Tops.”

The woman eyed her over. “Whatcha doin’ out in here, middle of nowhere, dressed like so? Aint to place to be for a little girl like you. Can’t be no good business if ya’r up at this time a day.”

Darcy felt the need to bristle, but part of her was too tired and the other part couldn’t bring herself to care much what a woman in a hideous pink rag thought of her. She shrugged. “Yeah, well, what can I say. I live for my dreams and a pocket full of gold.” She was pretty sure that the reference to Led Zepplin’s “ _Over The Hills And Far Away_ ” was lost on the woman. If Tony'd be here, he would have laughed. She shifted the bag on her shoulder. “So. Room or not? And is your kitchen a 24 hour thing, too?”

The woman grunted, an for a moment Darcy really thought she would refuse to give her a room. Then she turned, marched to a little drawer at the bar-part of the counter and pulled out a key. She practically smashed it down at the counter before Darcy after she had swaddled back over. “Room 23. The kitchen is closed to six, but I can get’cha some tea or coffee, if you be needin’ some.”

Darcy sighed. Just her look for the kitchen to be closed. Her stomach grumbled in angry agreement. “Coffee sounds good. How much do you get?” “330$ for three nights ‘n four days. Countin' this as day already.”

Darcy stashed the key away and got the money out of her bag while the woman shuffled over to the coffee maker. Only now did Darcy note the slippers of the woman. Little blue fluffy things with a very familiar shield embroidered on the top part. It clashed fantastically with her pink-flower-rag. Darcy couldn’t help but grin. The woman was suddenly at least 30% congenial. “Hey, nice shoes.”

The woman looked up at her, already scowling because she clearly expected that to be meant ironic, but Darcy had unzipped her jacket and proudly showed of the Thor on her chest. The woman’s eyes lit up. “They’re a good bunch, ‘em Avengers folk. There aint’ have been such heroes when I was young, but if I were younger…” a wistful sight escaped her, and Darcy chuckled.

“I feel you there. But a little dreaming won’t hurt anybody.” Darcy grinned broadly.

The woman looked her over again, though it seemed almost favourable now. “Ya know what, lovey? I think I have some leftover muffins back in the kitchen. You can have ‘em, can’t be selling these anymore anyway.”

Darcy beamed at her. What a little avengers-bonding didn’t do for people. “That would be very nice of you. Thanks.”

 True to her words, the woman returned with three muffin’s a moment later and then poured Darcy an extra big cup of coffee. Darcy took them and might have had a dramatic tear in the corner of her eye, before she wished the old lady a good night again, as she shuffled out of the room again.

 

 

Darcy headed for the door herself when it was opened and she stood in front of two pretty big, broad-shouldered guys. They looked at her a bit surprised, but one of them stepped aside and held open the door for her, while the other just stood and stared. At least he wasn’t staring blatantly at her rack.

He was, instead, looking pretty fixated on her plate with the three muffins. “Dude, I thought she said there was no food till six!”

The guy who was holding the door open raised an eyebrow. “Yes, that’s what she said. So we drove half an hour to get you _burgers_. How can you even be still hungry? Now step aside and let the woman through.” Huh, he had said _woman_ , not girl. Plus-points for you, mister. And he had a damn nice timbre in his voice.

The other guy looked from her muffins ( _how nice not to have to mean that as a euphemisms for once_ ) to the other man, with a pleading look. “But, _muffins._ ”

Darcy couldn’t help but chuckle. She wasn’t even offended for being ignored like that. “I feel your pain and I feel generous tonight. Take one.” She thrust the plate out in his direction, and his green eyes lit up. No, his whole face lit up, actually. And it was a damn good looking face, with the stubble and what not.

He grabbed one of the muffins, and he wasn’t even ashamed to grab the biggest one either. “Thank you. Pretty and Generous. That’s how I like ‘em.” The second part he added as he now looked her over, with a cheeky grin. A grin that reminded her of high school. The kind of grin the older guys send to the juniors, with a bit of eyebrow-wiggling that usually was sure to be followed by giggles.

Darcy grinned right back, and then she looked at the other guy, slightly taller, but also very intriguing green eyes. He was giving his companion a ' _dude-seriously?'_ -look that reminded Darcy a lot of Jane. The other guy seemed too busy inhaling the smell of his muffins to notice.

“If you want one, too, speak up now or be forever silent. I have a feeling your friend here won’t share," Darcy nodded in the green-eyed ones direction.

Tall-dude shook his head, but with an apologetic smile. “Thank you, but I’m good.” And then he just grabbed green-eye’s upper arm and yanked him out of the way for her. She grinned. Yep, there was a lot of Jane in him. He looked the same shades of ashamed for his friend Jane looked ashamed for her sometimes. “Have a good night.”

“You too, boys.” Darcy felt tempted to look over her shoulder and see if the muffin-guy was trying to look at her ass. She had a feeling he might. Well, he would be hindered by her beloved jacket – and honestly, she was not up for caring for hot studs right now. She wanted her muffins, her coffee and then a bit of surfing on her Stark-Pad until she headed of collecting Barton.

 

As Darcy crossed the parking lot to head for room 23 – of course, the farthest away from the reception – she couldn’t help but pause for a moment as she passed the Impala that was just a few slots away from her Serenity. She nodded approvingly at the car.

Tony would have liked this one, he was a connoisseur after all. If only he wouldn’t have the constant desire to paint his cars in his colours. But no, even Tony could acknowledge the style this black baby had.

Darcy looked over her shoulder at the direction of the reception again. As that one had not been there earlier, it had to belonged to those two. They had mentioned having been away for burgers.

Darcy couldn’t help but softly bump her hip against the thing, like she sometimes bumped her hip against Jane when she wanted to show her approval if Jane remembered that she was human. Like – showering, putting on perfume or even a lipstick, brushing her hair… generally, it was her gesture of “ _looking good!_ ”, and it was not limited to people. She had even hip-bumped DUM-E a handful of times.

Maybe she should hip-bump these two guys if she happened to run into them again during her stay. For now, though, it was creepy to stay any longer with their car. Humming a little bit of “ _Rock Your Heart Out_ ” Darcy continued her way to her room.

 

 

The room was pretty much how all shabby motels looked, especially in horror movies. Horrible wallpaper, a hideous and supposedly ‘useful’ room divider made of coloured plastic circles, a make-do-kitchen thing and a less-than-comfortable looking bed. Or maybe she was just getting a bit spoiled by the tower and Tony’s sometimes futuristic furniture.

Darcy put her coffee and the muffins down and threw her bag on the bed. Her jacket followed, as did her Jayne-Hat, but before she could get to her shoes a little alarm sound went off in her bag, and Darcy scrambled to get to her Stark-Pad. _Incoming call from Tony_. Darcy flipped the lid open and accepted the call.

She was greeted by Tony’s broad smile. “ _Jerry Lee! What’s crackin’?_ ”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “Your skull if you continue to call me that.” Darcy saw Pepper pass by in the background, dressed in a silken morning-gown, obviously just out from a shower.

“ _Who is Jerry Lee?_ ” Pepper asked, and Tony looked over his shoulder with a fake gasp.

“ _That’s the dog! The shepherd in ‘K-9’. Because we take care of the bad guys together? Why does no-one here appreciate Jerry Lee? Shame on you._ ” Then he turned to Darcy again. “ _What about Hooch? Or are you too young for ‘Turner and Hooch’?_ ”

Darcy rolled her eyes, walking over to the kitchen-part of her room with the pad, and let herself fall unceremoniously on a chair. “How about you don’t call me dog-names, Iron Maiden?”

“ _…okay, but how do you feel about cat names? Puss in Boots? Crookshanks?_ ”

Pepper saved Darcy the trouble of having to reply to that. “ _Tony, play nice or I’ll tell Jarvis to lock the lab down for the night. I should really do that anyway, it’s half past three in the morning._ ”

Tony looked over his shoulder again, with a grin, blowing a kiss in Pepper’s direction. “ _But you won’t, because you love me, and you know I cranky I am when I can’t get into the lab on a whim at 4am_.”

Pepper just waved in his direction. “ _Yeah, probably I love myself too much to do that too me. Well, play nice either way. Good night, Darcy._ ”

“Night, Pepper.” Darcy chirped up.

As Pepper left the room – and only as she had really left, and he couldn’t look at her ass appreciatively any longer – Tony turned back to the screen. “ _So. Where were we? Oh yeah. What’s cracking, aside from my teeny tiny heart because you reject my terms of endearment? Is the place okay? Are you okay, kid?_ ”

Darcy turned the pad around, so Tony could look into the room for a moment, then she turned it back, and put it down. The Stark-Pad came with a little, integrated mechanism to hold it in a perfect angle for video-calls. That gave her the freedom she needed to grab her coffee.

“Yeah, the place is okay. Shabby motel in the most glorious horror movie cliché, I’m so excited. And I’m good, too. Turn’s out the woman who runs this place isn’t just the owner of a shabby motel and the most hideous nightgown I’ve ever seen, but she’s also a true Avengers-Fangirl at heart. When she saw my Thor shirt she gave me coffee and old muffin’s.”

Tony snorted. “ _Generous treat. Do you need me to send you a care package, or…?_ ”

Darcy took a big gulp from the cup, and shook her head as she put it away to grab one of the muffins. “No, the kitchen will open in three hours, and I really hope you’re calling me to tell me that I can maybe catch a few hours of sleep before sunrise.”

Tony’s expression shifted to apologetic. For a cranky asshole he was always kind of sweet with her. She was, apparently, the first living ‘ _pet_ ’ he had whom he had not killed within the first month, so that spoke volumes of his affection for her. It helped, probably, that she fed herself and took care of her body hygiene, too.

“ _Sorry, the opposite actually, Lewis. Hate to disappoint, but Romanoff thinks that Barton might be closer to your current location than we thought he were. That’s the downside of training Agents too well in hiding themselves. She’s kind of… busy, hunting down the lost child and all –_ “ and with that he probably referred to the Winter Soldier, who was the reason why Natasha wasn’t here herself – “ _…but I’m on it. Jarvis is on it, actually, from the last patch of data Natasha got. Just pull through for a couple of more hours. Once you have him you can sleep to your hearts content, the both of you. We just need to make sure that he’s good_.”

Darcy had finished half her muffin as Tony spoke, and she just nodded. “Yeah, it’s all right, I get that. I brought things to entertain myself, don’t worry. I’m fresh from college, I’m professional at pulling one-nighters, after all.”

Tony’s expression shifted back to his cheerful grin. “ _That’s the spirit. We’ll make a true science chick out of you yet. Pulling one-nighters and living from leftovers is the first requirement after all, Bubo_.”

Darcy blinked. “Wait. Did you just… call me like that robotic pet owl from the old ‘Clash of the Titans’?”

Tony grinned sheepishly, like she had caught him in a crime. “ _Well, drastic measures, Lewis, after you rejected cats and dogs_.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. “That’s it. That’s the sign that we should end this conversation. See you later, Tin Man.”

 

 

 

After Darcy disconnected the call, she continued to eat her muffin in silence, and swiftly felt even more tired and bored. Darcy didn't do bored. Time for some music.

She walked over to her bag and started to dig for her iPod and then remembered that it was probably still in the car, plugged into her stereo. She huffed, annoyed with herself, but pushed her phone into the pocket of her pants, grabbed the keys from the table as well as the second muffin and headed out. She inwardly cursed that she had parked so far away from her room a bit, as she bit off the top of the muffin.

Munching on it, Darcy must have overheard … a car, or whatever? Because one moment she twirls her car keys on her fingers, and the next she _kind of flies through the air and crashes against the door of the reception house_.

The impact pressed the air out of her lungs, and the back of her head felt like it exploded. Darcy slid to the ground, groaning and cursing in every language that came to her head. Her back hurt terribly, and from the crunching sound she had broken at least one finger on her hand from where it hat hit the doorframe. She instinctively closed her eyes because of the pain and started coughing, because a part of the muffin must have gotten stuck in her throat.

The less hysterical part, the part has saved her ass in London and the part that had reminded her of the pets in New Mexico, was frantically screaming at her brain to make her open her eyes so she could see the enemy, so she could reach for her taser in her boots, so she could… _run_. Running did’t seem like an option.

She sat up and leaned forward, and she coughed out a bit of muffin. Steadied by both hands to ground she lifted her head enough to see… see a fucking _teenage boy_ in jeans, and chucks and a hoddie striding over to her, looking positively angry and – _what_? What was her brain not getting here? How could a teenager have _thrown_ her?

Darcy’s mind only barely registered that the door behind her got opened and that someone was kneeling at her side now. She stared at the kid, and her brain filled the gap, as she waited for the things around her to move. Unnatural strength and anger directed at her from a kid she’s never seen? She groaned. “Fuck me _side_ ways.”

 

She noticed that the guy at her side was the tall-dude from before, the male!Jane. He looked worried. The other guy was there, too, standing slightly before her, with… a gun drawn. A shotgun. Huh.

“… ou okay?” Oh, right, Jane-dude had been talking to her. Right, that’s why his lips had been moving. She was so glad that she had decided to wear contact lenses today, on a freak-whim. Her glasses would be scattered now.

She nodded her head, and used the wall to push herself up from the ground. Her feet worked, her legs didn’t hurt overly much. Her head felt like someone… well, had thrown her across the parking lot. She tried to push past the other guys. “Okay, I got this. You guys run. This might get ugly.”

She looked at the super-strength-kid, and thought that she just saw seeing the boy bare his teeth at her. Rude. She lifted her hands up as a sign of defeat, ignoring that the Muffin-dude seemed to eye her really weirdly. “Hey, you! Are you an alien? Because if so, Thor isn’t here right now. Go to New York. Whatever business you have with him, go directly to him, do not pass go and do not collect $200. And leave the intern and the poor civilians alone this time, okay?! Or I will taser your balls of, I swear to Thor, I can’t with you people anymore.”

Oh, yeah. She had hit her head _pretty_ hard. If he was one of Thor’s mates he would probably be offended simply by the way Darcy spoke. And would not get that reference.

The Jane!dude stood on her other side now, and she was pretty sure he looked worried. The other one, too, and Darcy didn’t see that just because she was eyeballing his shotgun, or anything; because it only registered with her now that he must have had that thing with him in the reception-room.

“Err, girl, I don’t mean to be… rude or anything. Great speech and all, very inspiring. But you should really better get inside. Like. _This second_!” And the last part was something he almost screamed as he looked back at the kid, that still was walking towards them.

The kid screeched, and attacked. And Darcy decided to heed the advise, and backed off, into the reception thing. Not… fully, though. She ran over to the counter – though she stumbled over her own feet and had to grab the counter for support for a moment, because her circulation was flunky – and looked behind it. Jackpot, a fire extinguisher. She pulled the heavy, red beast out and turned towards the door again.

For a moment she hesitated, but those two guys had come to safe her and all, right? You can’t freak out yet, Darcy. Later. Freak out later.

When she reached the door she wasn’t sure what to expect. Because at this point she wasn’t even sure if it was an alien or not. Maybe it was one of HYDRA’s freak experiments. Tony had given her a briefing, after all, before letting her go off to collect Hawkdude.

What she didn’t expect was to find that the fight had shifted to the Impala, and she could just stare as one of the guys drew a fucking sword or some shit like that from the trunk of the car. The teenager seemed just as taken aback, for a second, but it didn’t send him running. “You killed my nest. I will end you!” The kid dove forward, as did the Muffin-dude, and then he… beheaded the teenager.

 

 

Darcy felt the fire extinguisher almost fall form her grip, so she gripped tighter and cuddled it close. “What the flying fuck.”

She stared at the fucking beheaded corpse, and she just… what was she to make of that? She had seen fucking giant ass alian robots. She had met Captain America. She could deal with the unexpected. But seeing someone being beheaded on the parking lot of cheap motel was just too cliché. Nope. She refused to play part in he horror movie. She was probably actually unconscious right now, because in reality a car had hit her and her brain was just making up the rest.

When the two guys turned, Darcy raised her fire extinguisher for a moment, really unsure of what was going on. They had come to safe her. They had also beheaded a kid. Who had attacked her. Who had probably been an alien kid. Or a HYDRA kid. Did that make them hero-material or villain-material. What?

When the Jane!guy came towards her, with a clearly worried expression, Darcy simply dropped the fire extinguisher, and made a grab for the taser still stuck in her right boot. God bless Tony Stark for having had too much fun with the tale of how she fell Thor – and for him to insist that she from now on always carry a taser with her, because it was clearly her superhero-weapon now. She had not tasered anyone ever since, but now seemed like a wonderful chance.

She raised the taser at the guy, and he stopped, holding both hands up, mimicking her gesture from before. Nope. Not going there.

“Er, look, stay. I’m still processing what the actual fuck just happened and if I flip my shit I might just taser your balls off. And on where on a scale between Batman and Joker is killing a kid that attacked me with superpowers? Especially if that kid says you killed it’s … nest. _Nest_?” She shook her head a bit. “Okay. Right. So. Don’t come closer, maybe, until I have this under control. If you are more on the Joker side of things, let me tell you, though. I have powerful friends and they will avenger me quite literally. Oh, and I didn’t fucking graduate to die now. Also, I’m too pretty.”

 

Darcy was pretty sure the muffin-guy just snorted.

“You’re telling us that we’re the Joker? After you told the kid it’s an alien, told it to go to _Thor_ and pretty much told us to hide? Either you’re just a nutjob or you’re the worst hunter I’ve ever met.”

Darcy looked back and forth between the two guys. Jane!dude gave his brother the evil look, who answerd with a “What? It’s true?”.

Darcy lowered the taser and leaned against the doorframe. Her head hurt like hell. Her back hurt like hell. And her left hand hurt like hell. This night was _hell_. “Yes to the nutjob, no to the hunter. Hunter of _what_? Does that kid look like a deer to you, Norman Bates?”

The Jane!dude seemed to notice that his friend wasn’t helping. He made one step in her direction again. Darcy was too tired to raise her taser high again. “Dude. Balls.”

He stopped, looking maybe slightly impatient now. “Okay. Slowly, then. First off – the ‘kid’ wasn’t just a ‘kid’. It was a vampire, and it was after us. My brother and I, we hunt vampires. We’re sorry you got caught in the middle.”

Darcy frowned. And then she pressed one hand to her left temple, where the pain hurt the most. She was just a bit surprised to find that she was bleeding. She looked from the blood on her hand to those two guys again. “You’re hunting vampires.” Both guys nodded. Admittedly, she _did_ remember the kid baring it’s teeth at her. She had just not really had felt like looking at them any longer.

She glanced at the corps. Vampire. With superhuman strength. Living in nests. Hunted by vampire hunters. Darcy threw her hands up with a frustrated huff. “You know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m so through with this world. Elves, Alien-Robots, Gods. Fucking _Vampires_. If you want to, hurry up and kill me now, please, because I’m done. I’m officially _done_.”

 

The Jane!dude seemed to take her up on the invitation, because he cautiously started to come closer again. “We are not going to kill you. I will take care of the body, and we will make sure that you’re okay, and that will be it. Alright?”

Darcy eyed him sceptically. At least he wasn’t pointing a weapon at her. “Right. No more Vampires tonight?”

The muffin-guy closed the trunk of his car, and came over to them, too. Considerably less slowly and cautiously than his brother. Obviously he was not having any of her ‘processing’ anymore. “Maybe. There’s still the head of their nest out there, we didn’t get it. That’s why we’re still here. Would the job be done we’d be gone.”

It was strange, but Darcy felt almost a bit at ease with his bluntness, though his friend – brother, was it ? – didn’t seem pleased. “Dean. Can you maybe not talk about that now.”

Dean bristled. “She asked, Sammy. Why would we lie? She has a right to know.” Darcy nodded half-heartedly. She didn’t necessarily want to know about Vampires, but she sure had a right to know. And then that muffin dude – had the other guy called him Dean just now? - looked at her a bit weird. “We should check your head, though. You must have hit it pretty hard. Elves, Gods and Alien-Robots?”

Darcy consciously pressed one hand to the place that had started to throb, and she shrugged. “I’m fine. I just really think I need to raid my mini-bar now. You go and have fun with that body.”

.... Maybe she should kind of check, that it really was a vampire. If it had been a normal kid, she was just letting two guys hiding their murder after all? But if they had a normal kid, the question might make them reconsider killing her. A part of her, though, doubted it. The fact that the kid had been normal, that is. She was just too ready to accept the supernatural solution by now.

 

 

The Jane!dude - Sammy, whatever, seemed to decide to take matters into his hands. “Okay. You bring her to her room. I’ll take care of the Vamp.”

The Dean-guy looked at his brother funny, as if he considered protesting, but the he shrugged and just looked at Darcy. “Alright. What is your room?”

She blinked. And then she looked over at her car, where, luckily, she could see her keys glistening in the bit of light coming from her room. “23. But my keys are on the ground by the car, when the… Vampire-kid decided to use me as a ragdoll.”

Who would have thought that she would ever be in a position where she felt like she could relate to Loki. Granted, he was a God, so he probably felt pain differently, but also granted, he had been smashed around by the Hulk, and way severely. Still, detail, details.

The Dean-guy looked around, until his eyes magically found her baby. He whistled in approval. “Nice. The 1982 DeLorean?”

Darcy grinned despite herself, and nodded, as she pushed herself away from the doorframe, beginning to walk towards her baby. “Yep, that’s mine. Her name’s _Serenity_. I would have ripped that kid’s head of if he had hurt her.” She began walking towards her car, and pretended that she didn’t see the brothers exchanging grimaces that were too confusing for her before each set out for his task.

As the Dean-guy caught up with her, she nodded slightly in the direction of his car, as they passed it. “Aside from the whole weird weapon-trunk-thing your car is quite an eye catcher, too by the way. Darcy approves.”

Okay, she was pretty sure she could see him swelling with pride right now. “Yeah, well. I love her especially because of the trunk. Her name’s ‘ _baby_ ’. And… who is Darcy?”

As they had reached the car, Darcy crouched down to get her keys, slowly because _hell_ , and when she got up she pointed her thumbs at herself. “The one with two thumbs and a terrible headache.”

The Dean-dude grinned. “Well, I’m Dean.” She gave him a deadpanned look as she went for her room, and unlocked the door.

 

 

She was just glad that she had not unpacked yet. Her first way was over to the minibar, where she pulled out a couple of bottles. Instead of downing them though, she put them on her left hand that was giving her the pain from hell by now. She eyed her left middle finger and ringfiger. Maybe she was imaging it, but they looked a bit askew. Ew.

The Dean guy had followed her, and was now holding out his hand. “Let me look at that.” Reluctantly, she handed him her hand, and whimpered in pain as he started prodding. He shook his head a bit. “Not broken, probably bruised. You should try to keep them cool.”

And then he just made a step closer, and with one hand he grabbed her chin, and tilted her head. The other traced the throbbing place on her temple. Darcy caught herself holding her breath, as she inhaled and was suddenly a bit dizzy from the proximity and his aftershave. “Just a laceration. Well, looks like you lucked out. You should have someone check if your back is okay, Vamps can be brutally strong, but otherwise you should be fine.”

Darcy smiled weakly. “Yeah, I’m always fine. I’m such a lucky gal.” And then, in an afterthought, she added. “Thank you, though. For… coming out there, saving me, and all. I’m not usually that ungreatful, just freaked a bit.”

He grinned down at her, with an almost goofy grin. “Oh, we get that a lot. You’re actually taking it all really well. I do appreciate the thanks, though.”

At the last bit his grin widened, and Darcy tilted her head a bit. Man. He was seriously good looking, that one. Especially when he grinned like that. And she should definitely not be having these thoughts, but, damn. It had been a while since Ian, and adrenaline always got her… uhh… hypersensitive. “Well, I don’t have any muffins around anymore, but I figure I can get you fresh ones’ for breakfast? If you’re still around then, and not already on the run to keep your secret.”

He seemed amused enough but that offer. And, yep, she had seen the twinkle in his eyes again. “Hell yeah, for that I’ll be around. If all people paid me in food I’d be a happier man.”

She felt oddly reminded of her grandpa’s saying that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Really, though – wasn’t that just another universal truth that applied to _every_ living being? Even animals were tamed through being fed. Question was though, why would she even think about _wanting_ the way to that man’s heart? Into his pants, yes, sure, Darcy wasn’t blind and all. She must have hit her head harder than she had previously thought.

She reached out and patted his arm. “I’m sure you would be. The world would be a generally nicer place if we paid each other in food form.” Before he could reply, though, Darcy suddenly jumped with a shriek, because her phone went off with a buzzer and Black Sabbath’s ‘ _Iron Man_ ’.

Her shrieking and slight jump had seemingly kicked in Dean’s hunter reflexes, though, because she found herself grabbed by the waist and he had a gun drawn, looking at her worriedly. She blinked, a bit confused as to what the hell had happened. And why the hell had she never noted how sexy it was to be smashed against someone despite how much your back yelped in protest?

 

The moment was broken though, because her brain processed his jumpy reaction before she processed the ( _very welcome_ ) proximity, and she burst out in laughter. “Dude, chill. That’s my phone – or do Vampire’s usually attack singing?” He let go of her and she pulled her phone out from her pocket of her jeans.

She mentally thanked Tony for creating the pretty much indestructible StarkPhone, as she registered Dean's almost sly grin. Wait a sec. Had he just acted like it had been hunter reflexes to make a grab for her? Her eyes narrowed, but then she decided to take the call. Of course, the video-feed popped up and she was so not surprised to see Tony, in all his glory again. “What up, Tin Man?”

Tony, though, looked surprised. “ _Lewis. What is that on your temple. Did you have a food-fight, is that jam or… holy fuck, Darcy, is that blood?!_ ”

Darcy flinched a bit. Oh yeah, that. She had… pretty much forgotten about that for a second. “Oh, yeah. I had a run in with a door – and no, that’s not me making up a bad excuse, I really mean that. Why’d you call, though? I really need to get a painkiller, and I have a guest so… sorry, but make it quick?”

Tony’s kind of sober expression was one she didn’t like too much. He looked genuinely worried. And she had been able to see the suspicions on his face as she had said the word guest. “ _Well, did you remember to call your grandma? Her birthday was yesterday_.”

Darcy rolled her eyes. Of course, Stark security code for ‘ _Are you safe?_ ’. “Yes. And, before you ask, I didn't get her a present.” Stark security code for ‘ _Is the person you are with dangerous_.’ That, at least, seemed to relax Tony just slightly. “So? Is this about Barton? Do you have a place for me where I can pick him up?”

Tony shook his head. “ _I called to warn you ahead. Barton is on his way to you, could be there within the next hour_.” He was pretty clipped about it, but she got it.

She smiled, weakly. “Well, then. I’ll call you when he get’s here. Go and sleep a bit, too. Good night, Tony.”

“ _Good night, Darcy_.”

 

 

She sighed, as she put the phone away. If the place had any security cameras, she would bet her sorry ass that Tony would set Jarvis on it this moment to get a footage of what happened, just to make sure that HYDRA hadn’t ambushed her. She almost hoped that there wasn’t a tape. Tony didn’t need to be freaked out right now.

Then she looked at Dean, who had been observing her pretty intently. With a bit of annoyance she noted that he had maybe been less observing her but her rack. “Done ogling? Because I think you can leave now.”

He did look up, but his eyes were a bit narrowed, as if he had done some serious thinking. “That was Iron Man on the phone, wasn’t it?”

Darcy blinked. “Err. Yeah.” How had he figured _that_ out, though? He had not been able to see Tony’s face, she had made sure of that.

Then the guy’s facial expression shifted entirely, from suspicious to almost enthralled? “So. You said Thor. You mean the real deal? The God-slash-avenger? You know him?”

Darcy sighed. Oh boy. Another fanboy. She brushed her uninjured hand through the hair on the uninjured side of her had. “Well. Yeah. No use denying that now, I guess. I though that the Vampire-Kid was someone who was after Thor. People who are after Thor tend to come after Jane or me, too. We’ve been seen with him a couple of times and we’re easy targets. I wouldn’t recommend it, though, just in case you’re considering. Ten times out of ten people don’t make it out alive.” She meant it a bit of a joke, but was afraid that she had overstepped the line to hostile again.

Dean laughed, though. “That’s at least the third time tonight that you threatened me and I keep finding it hotter and hotter. Maybe I was hit in the head, too.”

Well. That was a surprising turn of event. Darcy might have actually almost blushed for just a split second there. Then she laughed herself. “And I should be insulted that you’d need to be hit over the head to find me hot, but here I am, not giving a damn. I actually find you quite hot, too.”

His grin deepened, but it also had a slight edge to it now, as he leaned forward. “Oh yeah?”

Darcy leaned forward too, though considerably slower, because – ouch. “Oh yeah. I work with superheroes’ and I have a weakness for the bad-boy-types. That’s kind of annoying.”

He nodded a bit, as if he could relate. “Well, the majority of the women I meet are monster, so…. That’s frustrating, too.”

They were… pretty close now. Close enough that Darcy could, if she wanted to, reach out and grab his neck and kiss him. Why would she do that though, of course, right? “How lucky we are then that we’re both here tonight, then.”

He grunted. “Worthy of a damn celebration, if you ask me.”

“Oh, I love parties. Count me in.”

“I was counting on that. Parties by myself are no fun.” Darcy chuckled. Oh, she had no doubt that he had no trouble finding company for his type of party. Before she could reach out and do something stupid, though, there was a knock on the door.

 

 

Dean cursed and got up. “Sammy, you have one hell of a timing.” He almost ripped open the door, to Darcy’s amusement.

The amusement dropped when it was Barton who stood there, dressed in a suit, his tie loose, his jacket over his shoulder. He raised one eyebrow as he gave Dean the onceover before he looked at Darcy. He saluted to her, and she could almost feel his eyes flickering from the laceration to her left hand, still buried under some cold mini-bottles from the mini-bar. But unlike Tony he played absolutely cool. Darcy had only met the Hawkeye twice, but he often seemed like the definition of ‘cool’. “Good to see you, Lewis. I have ‘one hell of a timing’, huh? Should I go again, or…?”

For just one selfish moment Darcy considered saying ‘yes’ and ‘fuck it’ and grabbing Dean by the collar of his fine leatherjacket, but she was here with a bit of a mission, after all. She got up. “’Course not. In fact, I think my new friend here might be super glad to meet you.” She gestured for Barton to come in and close the door. Then she gestured between the two guys. “Dean, this is Hawkeye, a bad-person-and-occasionally-alien-hunter; Hawkeye, this is … Dean, a vampire hunter.”

Dean looked deadpanned, for a moment, and then he did grin, holding out his hand. “Hi. It’s not vampire hunter, actually. We hunt… many things.”

Barton took the hand, and shook it, one eyebrow rising. “Well, I’m more of a sniper than a hunter myself. Leave it to Lewis to screw up the job descriptions.”

Darcy just huffed. “Hey, I get to be dysfunctional at 3am.” She looked at Dean again. “Which means that I really want to sleep now. See you for breakfast?”

Dean nodded, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his jeans. “Sure. You promised Thank-You-Breakfast. I’ll be there.”

Barton helpfully opened the door for him, and Dean turned to leave. Darcy decided to go with the bit of ‘fuck it’ she had failed to grasp before. She made one step after him, and grabbed his elbow. He turned around, and she did grab the collar of his Jacket, pulling him down for a kiss. His lips parted immediately, as if he was not even surprised. His one hand was on her back within the same moment, the other in her neck, both pulling her closer. For a moment, Darcy hissed into the kiss because of the pain, but then she also kind of moaned into the kiss, as his tongue did _things_ , holy Thor. That man certainly new how to kiss.

As they parted, Darcy almost stumbled back. She grinned, though, and her grin was met with an equally downright dirty grin. “Couldn’t let you go without a good night kiss.”

“Right. Absolutely.” And then, as if in a second, more serious thought, he added. “We’re in 13. If you need help with some monsters over the night.”

She laughed. “Sure thing. Good night, Dean, and say Sam thank you from me.”

“Night, Darcy.”

As she closed the door, she didn’t even need to look at Barton’s face to know that he was amused. She merely thrust her Phone against his chest, strutting over to her bed, with her chin raised. “Shove it. And call Tony, let him know you’re safe. I’m getting ready for bed.”

 

***

 

**Bonus:**

“So. I’ve watched that security tape again, Lewis, and I can safely say that the thing was not human.”

“Yes, you told me the first time.”

“Yeah. And. I still can’t get over how you stood there and tried to talk the thing that attacked you into simply going away.”

“… is there a point to this?”

“Yes! Because, one good thing came out of it, though.”

“Yeah. Lewis tapping the hunter ass, whom she thinks she’s _secretly_ meeting.”

“Barton! Shut up.”

“Yes, Legolas, shut up. Because, what I’m saying is important.”

“And what would that be?”

“Buffy.”

“What?”

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Your new, wonderful and hard earned pet name.”

“Oh god.”

“Darcy ‘Buffy’ Lewis. Killing the creatures of the night with taser, sass and snark. It’s perfect.”

“Oh hell no.”

“Isn’t she actually just bedding the Vampire Slayer? Wouldn’t that make that Dean-guy Buffy? And her... Angel? Spike?”

“Shut up Barton!”

 

***

 

**Further Reading:**

[“There’s a Monster On Your Six Dear (And Your Tazer Won’t Help)” by sarcastic_fina on ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/497180)

This is the dopest shit out there. No, really, I’ve read it at least ten times now, and this is the one reason why I ship them so hard. I will never understand that this didn’t spark a sudden spontaneous comburstion of the fandom in crossover stories between supernatural and the MCU, it’s so good. Darcy is with SHIELD in this and has an accidental run in with a monster and the Winchesters, and I won’t even go and pretend that I didn’t just fangirl too hard over the perfectness of it to try and pick a different setting. If I ever wanted a one shot to be turned into a full-grown story, it’s this one.

 

[Serenity McFly:](http://media.motortopia.com/files/27653/vehicle/4e3fb73ec3d37/km-clev15.jpg)

Aka, Darcy’s car. Just in Iron Man Red.

 

 


End file.
